In John 8:32 Jesus tells us, “And you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.” The purpose of this post is to shed light on the difficult subject of homosexuality. If you are struggling with same-sex attraction or know someone who is, please do not feel condemned or judged. John 3:17 tells us, “God sent the Son into the world, not to condemn the world, but that the world might be saved through him.”
Knowing the truth is impossible unless you trust the one telling you. Unfortunately, some well-meaning Christians have spoken and acted out in ways that have led to mistrust. For this I apologize and ask you to give the Truth a chance. Jesus said in John 14:6, “I AM the way, the Truth, and the life. No man comes to the Father, except through me.”
Homosexuality is a complex issue, one that cannot be fully comprehended in one post, one pamphlet or even one book. I have closed this post with a list of resources that will shed light on this topic if you are seeking answers. I do wish, however, to offer some understanding that I have come across in researching same-sex attraction. Not all who experience same-sex attraction will fall into the description I am about to share. Broad brushes paint sloppy portraits. However, there are trends worth noting in the study of homosexuality.
Homosexuality is not inherited by a “gay gene.” Science has yet to prove empirically that such a gene exists. Some people with same-sex attraction have felt that perhaps they were “born” with this inclination since they cannot remember a time that the attraction began. A possible explanation for that will be offered in a moment. First, I would like to share something that Julie Lyons stated so well in our interview about her deliverance from same-sex attraction. Psychological damage inflicted early in life, often before a person is emotionally developed, can spur these desires. There are also environmental considerations that can shape a child’s identity. A child does not possess the emotional sophistication to process abuse, pain or neglect positively. It will affect his/her identity. We must understand that a person can certainly “feel” as though they have been born gay.
A study by Counselor Sinclair Rogers on the causes of homosexuality offered a startling statistic. He writes,
“In Singapore, of my homosexually oriented clients in 1991, 83% of the men and almost 70% of the women reported being victims of sexual abuse or molest, before the age of 12. Additionally, well over 90% reported the sense of being neglected or unloved in childhood especially by the parent of the same sex. 40% reported physical abuse. Another common trend in my clients, is an unfortunate history of being ridiculed and labelled ‘homosexual” during their pre-teen and teen years.”
Abuse and neglect does not automatically result in same-sex attraction, however it is certainly a contributing factor in many lives.
Conventional homosexuality is not a condition that happens in a vacuum. It is a result of arrested emotional and gender identity development. The next few paragraphs could change your life, or at least your understanding of homosexuality.
There are stages of sexual maturity. A child, passing from babyhood into early childhood, must bond with the parent of his/her same gender. This is crucial to creating a gender identity in the child during the ages of 4-14. If the parent of the same gender is missing, neglectful or rejecting of the child, this crucial bonding phase will not transpire. A child who does not bond with the same-gender parent may seek for the affirmation they need from same-gender friendships. A young man will feel the need to be accepted among peers of his gender. In the case of many homosexuals, this bonding never happened on either level, therefore they have never been “comfortable” with people of the same gender, nor have they been accepted by that gender.
This bonding must happen during pre-adolescence before the young man or woman enters the stage of life when they begin seeking opposite-sex relationships. A person must be comfortable and secure with people of his/her same gender before they gamble with building relationships with the opposite gender.
If a child hasn’t bonded with their same-gender parent and then peers, they will not develop a sense of security in their gender. This could lead to gender confusion, or a sense of isolation that prohibits proper development of relationships with the opposite gender.
The result? This precious young person will seek to find what is emotionally lacking… love. Since the same-gender parent failed to provide it, he/she will seek affection and love from same-gender peers. An emotional dependency can grow, leading to a fascination with same-gender peers. Add the burgeoning pressure of adolescent sexual development and this fixation suddenly becomes erotic. In this case, homosexuality is a result of someone being cheated of much deserved love and affirmation.
Homosexuality is reversible. You can be healed, loved and accepted.
If you are a believer wanting to help someone with a same-sex attraction, you must “believe” that with God, all things are possible. I am a firm believer in the power of Godly counsel. We may have the desire to help, but lack the wisdom or experience to do so effectively. Heterosexual friends and family members are key players in the healing process. Your unconditional love and acceptance will be crucial in the days ahead.
Looking for help? Try Exodus International. This ministry has walked thousands through the process of healing and restoration. While I am not a counselor, I am a connector. Thank you for reading this post.
Recommended Resources on Homosexuality:
Pursuing Sexual Wholeness by Andy Comisky
Living Waters Sexual Redemption in Christ program, on overcoming homosexuality.
The Game Plan by Joe Dallas
A resource for men.
Victory Over the Darkness by Neil T. Anderson
A staple in the Christian counseling world.
Out of Egypt by Jeanette Howard
The Wounded Heart by Dr. Dan Allendar
Coming Out of Homosexuality by Bob Davies and Lori Rentzel / InterVarsity Press
Gay Genes? An article debunking the myth of inherited homosexuality. http://exodus.to/content/view/184/34/
Transgenderism and the Deconstruction of Gender An article from Focus on the Family http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/homosexuality/A000008950.cfm
Can Gays Really Change? A Study on Ex-Gays An article from Focus on the Family http://www.citizenlink.org/FOSI/homosexuality/A000008669.cfm